Thursday, November 29, 2012

I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty........

I'm now 52 years of age, I have been a musician since the age of 16, I do not know how not be what I have been, what "I am".  I have officially finished recording my 6th solo album, last night to be exact. I am so honored that people still like me (in that way) and yet I am completely frightened by the fact that they still like me (in that way).  At this point I am not afraid to come right out and admit that I am a wreck. I am so torn between what I love to do and what I feel I am supposed to do.  I am afraid to get on stage and do my thing because I feel like I have worn my welcome completely out and yet I feel cheated by the fact that I feel that way.  I embrace many female artists over the age of 50 and I feel so many of "us" have so much to offer and I feel like it's under-appreciated because of our age.  At this stage I am more confident in my writing and vocal ability than I have ever been but there is no self esteem to support that as I walk onto the stage. I have long since lost my youthful grace both physically and mentally (well, nevermind I have never had much mental grace) and I feel like, if I could just be invisible and sing and write that would make me happy.  I want to shut myself up and yet I don't because I can't be a good example of aging gracefully if I do that and I have 2 teenage daughters who need me to show them strength and confidence, but I don't have any, not really.  I am so lost and confused and my reaching out to people is me trying to hang on to something familiar, I am trying to keep going with confidence and gusto but I don't want to be on stage, I am dreading all of the shows and the pressure and I am not sure if I will follow through because doing so would mean I spend the next few months on autopilot while I try to pretend I am personable and care free.  All I think about when I meet everyone is "what are they thinking of me"?  "Do they find me hideous and old"?  "What am I doing here I should retire"?  But I will be smiling all the while and in my mind I will be singing "I Feel Pretty".  I don't want to be a a fat, old, singer and yet I don't want to be anything else because I have no motivation to change. So if I chicken out on this promotion thing, I can promise you one thing...this album is great and if you listen to it while looking at the cover of UPDATE:  11/2012  OK so I am editing, re-reading my entire blog.  I get to this page and I realize as I read it I, not only, did not finish it, I published it thus.  This is me, the old me creeping out and falling into the pressure of the upcoming album promotion for Queen Of Nothing, I am focusing (here) on all the wrong things and I didn't even realize the backslide until I read this unfinished post. So, guess I'm not as together as I should be come album promote time, but better than I once was....weird.

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