Saturday, November 17, 2012
SOBERING TRUTHS IN THE SMALL PICTURE WHICH I PAINSTAKINGLY PAINTED INCORRECTLY.
It's 9:30 on a Saturday morning, I have just read the news on the net and it is starting to sink in that the world has some big ass problems, not just this country, this town, this family, that family...the world and I have been feeling sorry for myself for a couple of years now, I think I need to snap out of it, really...snap out of it. My day consists of (now that I have quit my job that lasted for 3 weeks) sleeping in when I don't have to take Scott to work because we share a car now, an old car, broken stuff all over the place, no On Star or heated seats these days, having coffee (not Starbucks but Maxwell House) and reading the news, checking in to see if we have all killed each other yet, then facebook and usually cleaning and coming to the aid of whichever of my children needs something. Emma still has no license so I spend more time with her, she has work and rehearsals so I'm still a functioning Mom at times which is a nice wind down to 25 years of full time parenting. Marisa works, drives and goes to school (college 2 years early). Cory now lives in Colorado which is a challenge, not having that smiley face with dimples popping in on a regular basis but...it's what we do right? We raise them to set them free with some great talents and skills, to conquer the world. Well now I am wondering what there is to conquer? Every single day the world outside my window becomes a more depressing place and the world inside my window is not getting any prettier and that's what I focus on because as I just realized...today I guess I am innately self centered, who knew? I spend a lot of time worrying, a LOT of time and I hate it. I worry about everything being ripped away because that was my reality in my formative years and even into my 20's and here it comes again like a freight train, a freight train that mocks me for being so stupid and thinking I was in "sunshine and flowersville". Stability was all that really mattered, all I wanted was a carefreeish
normal life because it was not something I knew, and I wanted it desperately. So I gave up everything at the height of my career to choose the path of love and stability, family and the white picket fence and garden sort of vibe. I found that with Scott, we had a nice "thing" a great relationship and he made me feel completely loved, protected and adored. We had a wonderful start to our family, we had plenty of money so for the first time since my brief financially comfortable teen years, that was not something I had to deal with and it was so peaceful, I was at peace just knowing the lights weren't going out, the car was still in the driveway and no one wanted to shove us out of our home. Scott drank a couple of beers over a nice dinner (usually Russo's because money was no thing) and he was always aok to drive and function and be there for us, which had not been something I knew with my Father or Tony (my first husband). I was about as happy as I can remember being. My children had cute little toys all over the place, great bedrooms, Cory had every video game his heart desired and fun money whenever, the girls had wonderful little matching outfits and at one count 90 Barbies (Dear God) and my children were loved and adored and indulged and I hope they remember that, I hope they remember that being the most important thing, a family full of love AND stuff, that was nice too. I didn't count money before the grocery trips, we took at least 1 vacation every year, we saw the ocean, the mountains, ruins and Disney Disney Disney, and we did it together. Well that was then.....and the now I've been kicked awake to realize that was just a dream and now I am back to what has been my more common reality and I feel like I'm in a nightmare at times, like some cruel joke has been played on me and I feel sorry for myself. THIS is the place to be, this is what I am "used to" and until today when my lightbulb blinked I was wallowing in this fact, THE OH I NEVER GET A BREAK fact which turns out to be fiction, so yay. YES the money is gone, the nice, heated seats and tv's in the cars are gone, the house is going we just don't know how long we can squat here before they pull us out with the little cane, like on the Gong Show, that's how I imagine it, they will just shove the hook/cane in the door and pull us out. Scott lost his spark when his buisness began failing, he's not really Scott anymore because the stress of it all the loss of our lifestyle that he felt responsible for keeping up is so far in the front of his mind and heart that he can't see out now. I miss him and who we were, and it's always on my mind and I'm not sure about riding it out anymore, most of the time I don't wake up with lightbulbs over my constantly chattering brain, telling me I am truly blessed, most of the time I am just worried about what's to become of us and I find it impossible to sleep without popping pills so thank God for generics. I think this may just be our life, just like it was always my life...my fate my purpose to be completely unable to achieve a lasting stability. So I count coupons before grocery visits, we haven't had a family vacation in 8 years, my 16 year old daughter who is the only one at home now, works so hard just to have some money to help with school and clothes and gas and she contributes so much of her time and money to her charity "Random Acts" because like her nickname bestowed when she was a baby, she is Mother Theresa. I swollowed my pride and got a job at Giant Eagle, checking in flowers and checking out people with nice wines and expensive meats and cheeses, all the things I never once gave a second thought about purchasing. I let them roll their eyes when I'm slow packing and I let them look at me like I was probably not capable of being anything other than a 53 year old grocery clerk, I understood it....for 3 weeks and then I didn't understand it anymore but I understand something so much more profound now that it took waking up at 9:30 on a Saturday morning and reading the news to teach me a valuable lesson. I am not always appreciated by the people around me and quite frankly I deserve to be, but bla bla bla. And even though I may not feel like it very often, I know I am loved, I followed my heart and made music my life instead of something with a bigger payout, I chose my passion over my wallet. I did that at a great cost to myself financially, heart over head, turning down the things that meant I was going to make more money but give more soul. I may not have "a pot to piss in" anymore but I have my husband who doesn't say much but he probably doesn't really have to, I get it, I know him and I know he's the guy for me, drunk, sober, depressed, happy, young or old, fat or thin, looking like Nick Nolte or Fred Flinstone, I don't give a shit...we are a team. I'm not a viable music product anymore, I'm overweight and getting frown lines and my feet hurt all the time...again bla bla bla. I have gloriously talented children, all 3 of them are so soulful, by that I mean, they are in touch with the core of themselves, they all may just be hot messes emotionally but that's the family traditions!Cory and Emma write amazing songs, songs that I wish I had the ability to write, to dig that deep. Marisa is a fantastic artist and she does not even realize how talented she is, it's amazing and she has an unbelieveable singing voice, her comedic timing as an actress is just something to watch, I see her as the perfect Glinda in Wicked, blonde, funny, huge voice, she would kick that roles ASS!~Emma's voice is crazy, she writes and sings her songs with such passion but people don't realize how BIG she sings, when she did a song from Dream Girls in the school talent show, it was kind of like a hush fell and the people behind me were saying "Oh My God" and I knew that was my kid, it was better than heroin (well..that's a guess because hypochondriacs don't really do that sort of thing). She can sing Adele like it was row row row your boat and she is a wonderful actress as well. Marisa did a song from Funny Girl and posted it on YouTube and people were writing me constantly saying...OH MY GOD (we get that a lot round here so another positive OH MY GOD)! Cory could possibly be the most intelligent man I have ever met, he was a crazy genius kid, he's still really crazy but he's still a genius, it's a delightful combination. He knows medicine inside and out and he should have been a doctor, we all know it but he doesn't have the organizational skills to conquer the schooling. He is a wicked classical guitarist, blues, jazz, rock (but he doesn't like that much) he can play with the best of them. Dan Auerbach hooked him up with Pat Sweeny who offered him a job in his band, playing guitar and touring. I will never forget the night he realized he couldn't do it, we just sat and cried about it because the fear demon got him and I knew that ship was going to sail and he absolutely should have been on it, like my ship that sailed when I turned down my life changing offer, out of fear, I knew that he was standing at the Crossroads and he was going to choose the path that kept him safe, secure because he probably felt like the world was going to end while he was gone, and he would be alone in the cold and dark...because that gene survives generation after generation and takes away all of our chances and I was sad for him but he found another road, another way to be and now he treks the mountains, swims with (not funny) beavers and hikes with the bull moose, feeds horses and a feisty alpaca, He's learning to love the world around him, he plays music for himself not the masses and he is happy with very little, he seems to have figured it out in some way and that makes me happier than vacations every year. So my point is this after all the rambling, I read the news today (Oh Boy). There is fighting, escalating to war on the Gaza Strip. Hurricane Sandy victims are not going to have Thanksgiving in their homes with a cozy fire and plenty of food. A woman in the middle east was just savagely killed by her husband and it was considered justified because she did something like "talk to the pool guy". A family in New Jersey saw a toy floating in the flood waters that turned out to be a dead baby. People are starving, really starving, hoping for a bowl of rice a day, they pee in the streets and rivers because they have no indoor plumbing. Someone out there is beating a dog, beating their wife, beating there child. Someone lives in a cardboard box in the winter, someone wishes they had a cardboard box so they havea to sleep on the subway grates for warmth. Someone's child never came home from school and they have no answers, someone's house is burning down with every material thing that ever mattered inside. Some old woman is in a nursing home trying to remember her family and who she is, how she got there. Someone is sick from chemo, someone is dying of a drug overdose, someone is at a funeral for a friend, someone is watching their wife walk out the front door into the arms of their best friend, someone is alone on Thanksgiving with just a television and a frozen dinner. Take the house, take the cars, close the store, skip the vacations and buy the fucking Value Time. I have so much more than I could have ever hoped for in the big scheme of things outside my window for however long I have the privledge of looking out that window...and I don't have to work on Thanksgiving because my family loves and supports me even if I only lasted 3 weeks at Giant Eagle. God Bless Us Every One.