Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Reflections on (My) Life and Post Rock And Roll Suicide Part 1

So obviously I don't really know how to "blog" I didn't research it before I jumped in (little insight into my personality right there).  Someone said it was journaling online so OK I can do that.  I started out wanting to write about my years as a working lead singer/songwriter in bands and now that I have done that, I would like very much to write about what that created and the person I am now.  Because I started this project for my children to get to know me as a person and not just a Mom I thought there is so so much more than that part of my life that I would just "journal" randomly about whatever comes up. 
After my years spent with Unit 5, I got married and quit music all together.  I loved domestic life, well it was not your average domestic life but to me it was Ozzy and Harriet. Now that I have a more realistic view of "normal" I think it's hilarious I thought I was domestic and settled.  Tony and I had our roles, he worked (hard) and I stayed home (a few odd jobs now and again like Burger King on Arlington St).  I liked to do (and I still do) housey stuff, cleaning, cooking, decorating, organizing, napping.  I eventually got my license and began doing hair for David Daniel's and Glemby's.  I HATED it, but after my seperation it kept us, Cory and I, afloat for a while, enough to have a really cute apartment at Highland Square, right on Market across from Dodies and Annabelles, The Bucket (some of you will remember).  I remember one night I had no show it was a weekend and it was Christmas time, Cory and I stayed awake and had hot chocolate (he was 3 or 4) and watched all the people leave the bars at 2 AM, snow was coming down really hard and I loved the noise of the street when the bars let out, there were pretty lights and it was one of those frozen in time moments, I had big windows so we just sat and watched, it was way better than sleeping.  I loved my apartment it was the first time in my life I felt like I wasn't anybody's "thing" or anybody's "belonging"  I was my own person with no one to answer to about anything, it was odd and took some getting used to.   I didn't feel like a piece of human garbage because there was no one around to make me feel that way.  Tony came to visit Cory, we had a fine working relationship at that point but he still let me know now and again that I had failed at everything.  Eventually he lightened up and we got over it and became very close.  My Dad didn't have much to do with us at that point, which was nice, so I didn't feel like I was failing him on any level, like weighing 130 instead of 115.  After I got out from under everyone's influence I gained a few pounds which I thought was stress, but (again looking back) it was because no one cared if I actually ate things that were fattening.  My dad always compared me to my Mother who was 90 pounds soaking wet (we used to try to fatten her up to 100 pounds when she got to thin) he said he always thought I would be his "skinny one" but when I got up to 130 I guess that was to much and it made him sad I was letting myself go.  I remember one Thanksgiving he asked me (in front of everyone) if I was really going to eat a piece of pie.  I was a size 8, maybe a 10 but I doubt it.  Then Tony (God rest his soul and I really mean that I have no bad feelings for him anymore I have grown to love him all over again in my mind and heart, not LOVE like I have for Scott but love because he was my friend) told me before we got married if I ever gained weight he would sleep on the couch and when I got pregnant with Cory he did.  So without the ever watching eyes to judge me in my OWN very own apartment, I was so content and centered I had my gorgeous, perfect son and he loved me unconditionally even I was a fat ass at 130 pounds I was happier and he thrived because of that.  Any Mother out there who is in a relationship that seems toxic, if you get the courage to change things, your happiness reflects in your children and they thrive in a less hostile environment, it's amazing.  All children want is love, they want happy parents that show them life is good and I really think a single parent can provide a stable, nurturing home, sometimes (a lot of the time) better than a 2 parent family that is   I really like (and this is going to be such a blow to the women's rights movement because let's face it I'm that influential...ok for those of you who don't know me that was a joke) the classic, male / female roles it's not for everyone and it shouldn't be, people should do what makes them happy right?  I personally, love cooking, taking care of the house, the kids, the pets, I like decorating my home and shopping at Hobby Lobby.  I enjoy baking and candles and blankets and a fire in the fireplace.  It's especially great when the kids play music and everyone is home.  I remember last Christmas, it was probably the best Christmas of my entire life, maybe even better than when I got my purple Schwinn bike with a sissy bar and a silver glittery bananna seat, but maybe not.  We were all "home" it was Christmas evening, my daughter Emma invited (finally) the boy she had liked for 2 years over and he came to visit and that was adorable because they so obviously liked each other and young romance is awesome.  Marisa had no plans at church which was a rare thing and she was home, my son had his friend Dan over, we love Dan he is like a second son.  We all sat on the floor in the living room and Cory played guitar and we all sang, Cory did a few of his songs and we had a little living room concert, Emma was upstairs with new boyfriend and they were laughing, and that's always special when there is laughter in the house. Scott was laying down on the couch in the family room by the fire, watching television.  The dogs were laying around loving all the people and attention.  We were picking at leftovers, the tree was gorgeous (Marisa did the entire 10 foot tree herself) and I felt like I understood (finally) what makes me happiest, and I decided then and there I never want to worry again about how many CD's I've sold (or didn't sell) or if someone liked my music, or thought my lyrics were simplistic, or what the critics would say about me getting older and fatter, it wasn't about who I knew or what I should do with my life in my 50's, I was doing it!  I was doing what I was supposed to do, I was enjoying the beautiful family I raised dispite great challenges, I was reasoning the fruits of my labor, I was watching myself evolve through the eyes of my children, they were happy, they were thriving and dispite my best efforts I didn't screw everything up!   I have gone back and forth in my (music) career because I missed the creative side so much, I love to create the music but I don't especially like to perform anymore because I am feeling my age and I don't want to be judged on that so I am shying away from live shows more, I miss it on some level but I don't like the stress of worrying about how many people will show, and if I will look like a middle aged Mom trying to be cooler than she is .who is my core audience now, bla bla bla.   I am going to write music, it's what I do and I don't know how to stop, I am going to sing my music MYSELF and not sell my songs to a more marketable female maybe pop/country crossover artist. I will play in churches and halls and bookstores and coffee shops, in living rooms whatever..but I won't care if I am marketable, I'm not and it doesn't matter because my greatest pleasure is my family, but I would be lying if I said I don't love the music.

No comments: