I blog even though I am not at all sure what blogging actually is. I should say, I journal here so fire, water or time can not destroy my words because my main goal is to let my children and their children read about "stuff" so they come to know me better one day, like my mother did with her old school paper journal. So if it crosses your mind that I am full of myself for writing about my life, you would be wrong. I am full of nothing but the desire to someday be understood. So having said that...
Standing at the crossroads, that's absolutely where I am, right now, 52 beginning and ending everything all at once and I have to say, it's pretty heavy. As I look back, I see my life as having been chaotic, unstable, challenging, blessed and cursed. As I look forward I see a sense of calm, resolve, stability even in the midst of enormous challenge and change. I don't know why it took me 52 years to get it together, it's actually not a completed process so I'm not even there yet. I know that my mind has always been very hard to quiet, I am guilty of thinking way to deep into simple matters that really didn't need figuring out. I rode the roller coaster but tried to climb out the back instead of sitting and letting it happen. I see this trait in my children, in different ways. So now the looking back, and it is not always the easiest thing for me. One of my fantastic children (you know who you are) is fearful and anxious, full of insecurities with a bubbly personality and inner demons to spare. The other is (you also know who you are) making big plans always jumping in head first, mind going all the time, thinking and planning then stressing out to get these things done. The other is (you know this is you but you will argue with it) the epitome of the tortured artist, brilliant, talented and brooding, prone to bouts of deep depression yet funny and fascinating to be around most of the time, though this child would never think they were fascinating, talented or interesting, they would be wrong. I look back now and I see I did all of these same things, I am guilty of being insecure on the inside, bubbly on the outside, angry and brooding, etc. I have come to the realization that it's just a personality's way of coping with the lot they have been given, all these "issues" we have. I had to escape from a hard childhood into a world of plans and dreams just so I could form a way out of it all. It gave me hope, kept me looking forward. When I was around 12 I used to go into the woods by myself and pretend I lived there, alone with the animals. I would go deep in the woods for hours and I was rather like Peter Pan but with no Lost Boys. I LOVED it, it was an escape and I was in control of my entire life, the rocks were my chairs, the grass was my bed, I actually felt like I had my own little "pad", I would decorate it using coke bottles, flowers rocks, whatever. I LOVED being there so much I can't tell you, I had a pet squirrel! I would jump down hills, run, climb trees and no one was around so it was silent and blissful, no sad Mother crying about life, no fighting drunk Father yelling at us, it was sooooooo peaceful and I knew as soon as I could, I would have my own place to be, to control and control became an issue, right then and there, I realized I liked it and I also realized when I couldn't physically leave there was intense fear and sadness, so I learned to "mentally" leave, I developed a fantastic imagination. No one really knew that side of me, it wasn't for public viewing, I have always kept a LOT to myself, mainly for fear of talking about it, I didn't want to ever get emotional and out of control and just talking about things brings it up and causes me distress, it always has so I just bury it. I think, on the outside, I was always pretty bubbly and easy going. I was "the nice one" most of the time though sometimes I was very nasty to people, even though it wasn=t the norm, it happened more than it should have. I am not now by the way, I used to let people know if they crossed me, that I wasn't having it, I could cut you down before you even got started and you would feel it. 2 of my children inherited this fantastic gift and use it readily I am quite sorry to say. Again, I think it was a form of self preservation, it kept people from being able to hurt me or make me feel bad, I simply pounced on them before they could do that. I had lunch with one of my best friends Mark (30 years plus) the other day, and he asked me "Do you still have a temper"? I said "No I really don't". He said "good". All 3 of my children have a tendency toward that same wounded puppy personality, to different degrees but it's present. Is it genetic? They have parents who indulge them, who adore them, parents who really care for each other so the daily fighting that warped me, they have never really experienced (or so I thought, little did I know that fighting affects the family even if it's not the parents doing it). Scott and I argue an average of 2 times a year at the most, we really like and respect each other so they have been lucky there, however the fighting between one of my children and myself, has been brutal and my emotional response to it has shed a light on my weakness and complete inability to cope with fighting in a way that anyone could call "adult like". I cave and crumble and cannot handle it not even a bit, so when I am put upon by the people who are supposed to love me, I react strongly, like a wounded child, not a Mother and I never thought it was me being weak, I thought it was them being cruel, well, it's both but I did not handle it correctly and my children have grown up thinking me weak because that is what I have given them, just like my Mother gave me, but I understand her now and I know she did what she had to do and I love my Mother, she was WAY tougher than I thought. What was once a bad attitude that I thrashed the people who hurt me with, was turned into sadness and weakness because I did not EVER want to bully or demean my children, it was different so it just...hurts me and I give up, I surrender, and it sets a bad example and makes me feel weak and whipped. BUT, the harder part is facing the fact that the baggage I carried over, was not dumped before it influenced my family, now they have a needy, weak and sad Mother to tend with, just what I said I would NEVER do. Do I blame all the flaws on myself... absolutely not, I'm a firm believer in "it takes at least 2 to tango" and we have all been dancing for decades in this family, my family, back for many generations. I can't really blame myself because I have tried my absolute best to be great at this, I was not a lazy, whatever Mom I was all hands on and love, support and fun. However, I would be lying and that's not what this blog is about, if I didn't tell you, I screwed up a lot and it did not make growing up with me overly easy. SO, it's not just you random Mom out there thinking she is the worst ever..it's a lot of us we just dont talk about it. Being a Mother is hard work, it is rewarding and challenging and fulfilling but when you screw it up it stays on your mind and heart forever. I think because my ultimate goal in life was to have a family that was something like perfect, I set myself up for failure. I really thought it was possible to just, have my own family and make it strong, loving, perfect and then it would wipe away all the yuck from the past. I was wrong and oblivious. I guess I thought if everyone just loved each other, hugged everyday, said I love you everyday, read books, played music together life would be all daffodils and bunnies. Well, not so much because you have to set your little family up with rules and boundries and guidelines and RESPECT. I didn't do that, I raised my children so free and easy because I thought that would spare them all the negative so there were not many rules, sleep when your tired, rise when you are rested, eat when you are hungry, your room is your space so if it's a mess and you are happy, that's fine, talk to me in any way you like because you have a right to express yourself, you are an individual not my "thing". Bla Bla Bla Bla. My wonderful friend (you know who you are) had a lovely wine night with me one evening, which resulted in me spending the night at her house and sitting in my car smoking a cigarette and crying, while she sat there with me, that's actually a HUGE night I will always remember because it was ground breaking, eye opening, whatever. Anyway, she said I was probably the most loving Mother ever, but I was wrong about my theory that "all you need is love". She wisely told me children need discipline and rules to grow as human beings and thrive in this world because let's face it, the world is full of guidelines that my little hippie kids were having trouble grasping. She was right, she usually is and I began the next day (or so I thought) trying to give more form to their lives so they would feel better about themselves and the world. Cory was to old, he was past all that, he was a grown man and even though he was living at home, he was raised and functioning so it was to late for all the new life lessons. THE GOOD NEWS IS, Cory is intelligent enough that he realized I was weak and spacey, he saw what life was about on his own, he stepped up, he moved out and is a thriving wonderful human being dispite my all you need is love upbringing. He works, he goes to Kent State he is the most fantastic guitarist and songwriter and 2 of my favorite songs EVER have been written by my son. Plagued by insecurity I doubt he will ever be a performing musician, though he has played a few shows, but he likes his life in a small sort of bubble that he can maintain and control, he always has and I don't see that changing. He is VERY slow to add anyone into his inner circle, slow to form friendships and relationships, he is always a bit put off by people but My God he is so smart, it's almost hard to talk to him he is that out there intelligent. Cory will readily admit I wasn't involved enough with the parenting, that he always felt loved and cared for but he wasn't sure how to adjust to guidelines, he figured it out on his own. My poor husband Scott! He and I married when Cory was 7, he sat back and watched me give into everything to protect Cory from the harsh horrible world. If Cory didn't want to do something, he did not have to do it, I spoiled him and kept him very close and when Scott talked about it, I exploded..he's my son, I will do whatever I can to keep him from being hurt again with the bla bla bla. I over compensated because Cory's life got off to a rough start, his Father died when he was 4, my Father died in front of him when he was 6, and there is so much more garbage he dealt with, it was rough and I wanted it to be over so I made him to happy with everything I could possibly give, I spoiled him and I wouldn't listen to anyone. It was a rough patch and I thought everyone was wrong and I was right (that's another one of my problems by the way). Emma was always a free spirit, little hippie (hipster) waiting to happen, she is a ball of creativity, songwriting, singing, acting, she writes incredible stories and draws these intricate amazing doodles, she is a vegan, a poet and quite the enchantress. Talent is oozing out of her pores, she is day and night creating and it's an amazing thing to watch. Emma's songs are fantastic, dark and edgy. She has been compared to Regina Spektor in her delivery and Joni Mitchell in her lyric content. Chuck Klosterman said she was "obviously very talented" and she is just wating for her break because I promise you it is coming, I WISH I had the depth as a writer that she has, she truly has something to say and her voice is incredible. Emma is actually quite sunny most of the time, her sense of humor is whacky and she is a "who cares what people think I am having fun" kind of girl, she LOVES going out with her friends, she has a LOT of guy friends (just like her mama). She is loud and funny and spontaneous, but when she gets something on her mind, she is dark and sad (just like her mama). There is a show called "New Girl" the main character's name is Jesse and if you watch it, you have met Emma, they are so much the same. If you look at her pictures from prom in one of my facebook albums, you will see what I mean it's hilarious. Speaking of hilarious, Marisa is HILARIOUS, her sense of humor is just like her Father's she is always cracking us up with the most random outbursts and nonsensical blabbing. From the first week of her life, actually from the first day in the delivery room, Marisa was the easy one. I was scheduled for a c-section and she was just coming anyway, right in the middle of Longhorn Steakhouse, probably because she didn't want to put me through the surgery. I could have had her with so little effort but they wouldn't allow it because I had 2 previous c-sections. The nurse actually asked me to stop her birth so the doctor could come and do the c-section. She kept saying STOP! DON'T PUSH and of course Marisa stopped because she didn't want to upset the system so we waited for my doctor to get there. We nicknamed her Mother Theresa probably within the first week because she was so easy. She slept, she ate, she smiled and was completely agreeable. Emma had been a very colicky baby, she cried non stop day and night and the only thing that could quiet her was Scott, she LOVED him from day one, he would take her outside and let the wind hit her face and we would stand there loving the silence because she would stop crying when we went outside. Scott would say "soon this will all be behind us and we will look back and tell stories about how hard it was" I would be crying and saying "She hates me, she only likes you"! Marisa is the one who most suffered the drama of the way I raise my children. She is sensitive, introspective and EXTREMELY talented but somehow manages to stay under the radar. I believe there is so much goings on about Emma as a singer/songwriter that Marisa feels she is not as good or as worthy of praise. One look at the video of her singing "My Man" from Funny Girl will show everyone that this girl has some pipes! Marisa is a fantastic actress, great comedic actress and singer, if she had the time to devote (still) to this craft she could go very far in theater. I remember one time her director came to me after an audition and said "based on that audition she has the lead in the next play she auditions for" it was that good! She is so very talented, it blows me away the depth of it. If she wants to learn an instrument, she teachers herself and picks it up ridiculously fast, she can play piano and guitar (self taught). Marisa is, however, so busy being Marisa that she has fallen away from her theater days and it makes us very sad because she is SO SO GOOD! She works, does her schoolwork online, volunteers at church and does a lot of work with the less fortunate, she helps with kids at St. Mary (Hudson where we go to Church) she helps with food distribution at Saint Al's in Cleveland and she is so very Catholic and so very "good". Marisa decided to become Catholic at the age of 12, she went through RCIA by herself because her hippie parents were not into organized religion, she actually put up with a bit of ridicule from her siblings and at times, me, for getting to involved in the Church. When she was 13 she was baptized and she has truly earned the nickname Mother Theresa. Marisa pretty much set rules for herself and followed them, she found her guidelines by going to church. I realized to late that this particular child, needed structure and had to find it on her own and that makes me so very sad. Because of her inspiration I am now going through RCIA and looking forward to calling myself "Catholic" I LOVE the faith and dispite it's bad press and failings through the years, the core of the church is beautiful, mysterious and so NOT what I thought. So while my ponderings may make us all sound like a big ball of dysfunction, we are and we are not all at the same time. This is a family that loves each other, deeply, celebrates and enjoys what we have set up here. It's a family of different people sharing the same space and time and learning how to deal with differences in a constructive manner, sometimes it works and sometimes it does not. What will our kids take away from being raised by Scott and I? LOVE, even though it really isn't all you need...
UPDATE 11/2012: Marisa left the Catholic church, I didn't make it through RCIA, it ended up being to closed minded and a bit to stuffy for us, we now choose to live a very non fundamentalist life.
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