Thursday, April 19, 2012

Been A Long Time Since I Rock and Rolled..........

Yeah well, I have not blogged in a bit so I thought I should attempt to say something interesting, whitty or poigniant.  I just wrapped my 6th solo CD (7th album) and a best of compilation.  I can't believe I am now 52 and still working as a musician/vocalist/writer person.  I remember when I told everyone if I didn't have a decent record deal (back in the day when that was a "thing") by the age of 30 I would quit, and I did...for a long while. I actually stopped working a few times along the road, once when Unit 5 broke up I left the buisness for years and worked as a hair and make up person. I started recording again in 1994 and have managed to put an album out now and again over the years.  At this point things are VERY different from my last album experience, not only the way things are recorded just technically, but the person I am now is not the same person who recorded Ghost Town 5 years ago.  I conceptualized the Ghost Town album during a time when my life was a bit bleak, I was caring for my Mother who was dying and the mood around here, around me, was dark.  The mood didn't lift much until recently and I did not care much about music or anything other than raising my family, facebooking to much and trying to stand by my man while he watched his life's work crumble.  I did that for over 5 years, we seem to be either used to it or the mood is just lifting because everything is temporary. I was lost and trying to re-evaluate my life and my place in the world for a while, through the process, which as I look back I can now see clearly, I learned my place, I gained some momentum and I crossed a bridge into the "older woman" village on the other side of the "younger woman" village I had lived in.  Now my view is quite a bit different, it's better in a lot of ways and not better in a lot of ways.  The bad thing is there is no longer that voice in my head that tells me I am not really to old to do anything...that voice stopped spewing at me when I turned 50 and I'm glad because it would have been lying for I am now absolutely to old to do some things and pull it off without backlash.  IT'S NOT BECAUSE I GIVE A RATS ARSE if you think I'm to old to work in the music buisness, it's not about that because I will work until I don't love it anymore and if you don't want to look at my wrinkled old shtick up there don't come (so that's the positive part about getting older, you get sassy and you don't give a shit what people think most of the time so it's kind of cool). It's the "other stuff" I can't pull off because It body hurts.  I no longer paint my own house with wild abandon, I can't walk more than a mile anymore because my feet hurt, I can't see the lyrics to the songs I am trying to write without reading glasses and I can't hold more than 2 glasses of wine without getting stupid or having to pee.  I am on the other side of the bridge, and I can tell.  HOWEVER, I can still write an album with or without help, though working on Queen Of Nothing with Ryan Humbert was a blast. Some days I feel 90 and some days I feel 20 but all days I know I am round about 50 something on the outside, it's the inside that's tricky because the inside has no idea what the hell it's doing on what day, or why or if it's old or young, the inside is stupid as hell.  I cry if you look at me cross eyed and I snap before you have really done anything wrong...I'm just ready for it.  BUT I have more confidence in my ability to sing/write than I ever have but less confidence on stage (I have grown to dislike it a bit actually but I'm trying to get it back).  I am about to out this record so I need to embrace getting back up there because it's what you do, you record and you play and promote and hope some people buy it.  Without a live show to back up the product there's not a real point to any of it so I am trying to get my mood and my ass back into stage form (at least within reason on both points).  I never was a huge fan of playing, I always felt a bit insecure though I'm not sure anyone knows that.  When I was young and thin I was afraid my voice was not up to par and I always worried that the lower range of my voice would give way during a live show, I had a limited range where the lows were concerned back in the day. But now I am older and NOT thin but my voice doesn't worry me anymore, I have excercised it to the point of being confident that it will "everybody get high, everybody get low" as needed, but I feel insecure in my own skin up there now so that's kind of no fun at all, I don't think I have ever had the pleasure of hitting the stage confident about everything I was bringing to the picnic, body soul and talent, they haven't synced up as I would have liked over the years.  I would love to be all Chrissie Hynde, thin, cool as hell, voice better than ever, still looking like a rock star.  I feel like the people who don't know me are thinking..."wow who's letting the Hudson High soccer Grandma's sing tonight"?  But then I think..."Screw it because I can do this and you can do...NOTHING AS WELL OR AS COOL AS THIS SO BUGGER OFF!!  That's how I build my self esteem now, I convince myself I am cooler than everyone, I say mean things to the people who have way more on the ball than I do, but I say them to myself and then I laugh to myself and I am only one step away from being the old lady that sings Adele in your face at the bus stop when you look at me like I'm boring, it's like......take that!  BITCHES, you stand at the bus stop when you are 52 and fat and, sing Adele...THAT'S RIGHT!  YOU HEARD ME!  DAMN, I throw in a few runs while I hold one ear and close my eyes, for dramatic to prove I am special all over the damn place, should be able to tell that by just lookin.  BUT, I have grown to really like this side of the bridge where all of us old bitches know the score, we are better than we have ever been but no one gives a shit so we don't have to try so hard.
I have been doing the obligitory minimum excercise these days, which for me is dancing (my body hurts) I was a dancer, I would like to think I still have the ability to get lost in it and enjoy it but so far I only "would like to think that" because I just count the minutes until I can stop (my body hurts).  I have tried to embrace my love of Yoga again, just for peace of mind and fluidity in my limbs but I can't do the forward poses anymore because my stomach is in the way.  I was once quite a wonderful sight to behold doing "the yoga" ...graceful, firm, confident.  NOW I am still a wonderful sight to behold...if you need a good belly laugh, because it's hilarious.  I no longer wear cool little yoga pants and sports bras, I have to wear my husbands shirt and my (thank God) pj pants, I didn't even know that it had gotten that bad until I bought the yoga pants and put them on with a black v neck t shirt (my favorite), I was sure of what it would look like (in my head) because I have owned many yoga pants and t-shirts in my life but the mirror was a cruel friend and told me in no uncertain terms that my once healthy relationship with spandex had run it's course and my new motto is.......cover everything that looks like skin.  So I do yoga, lazy man's yoga because I am uninterested, and I cover everything that I can without rendering myself immobile.  So coming soon to a venue near, probably in the most clothing I can wear for whatever season we are in and it looks like, LUCKY ME.....Summer.   I have also been working on my guitar skills, I haven't played in a long time (my hands hurt) and I am more than a little rusty, I never learned a proper F chord because it's to "stretchy" and it involves a lot of work for my pinky and well, it's painful and I'm bored and uninterested so I may also hit the stage this summer being painfully great at E A C D G and the variations of such...but painfully bad F's no B's!  Thank God for bands, really good bands which I happen to have so the only reason I HAVE to play is so my guitar can cover my gut.  I am really looking forward to, however, seeing everyone!  I love it when all the crazy old (really now it's literal) Unit 5 fans show up and say hi.  I like talking to people, meeting people and "kabitzing".  I love to sing, I love to just...sing the songs and usually about 1/2 way through my set I am into the zone and no longer worried that I didn't lose enough weight in time.  This time however I have to worry also (well I don't have to but I choose to) that I am older than everyone else on the bill which really shouldn't matter at all, it is what it is, sometimes I feel it and sometimes I don't.  The good thing about the new record/shows is that my tone/mood while writing this album is that of a middle aged woman and there are a whole big lot of us out there so I am thinking my demographic has changed and I hope they get me, because...I am them, my songs should mean something to a wonderful group of people who have been neglected by the music biz......The Old Bitch Warriors (thanks Melanie).  So if all you wonderful 45+ women need someone to write about what you are going through at this stage of your life, I'm your spokesperson.  I think it's about time someone did a concept album about menopause (I'm working on it). 

1 comment:

Cyndiott said...

Thanks for putting into words what every fifty-something woman has felt, or is feeling.