Tuesday, January 1, 2013

All Is Quiet......On New Years Day

It's New Years day 2013, it appears we were not smyted on 12, 21, 12 after all.  I have decided to write this because I have not done it yet....this particular thing.  As you all know (all 8 of you) I write this for my children to someday get to know me, of course they do not, will not know me until they read because I can't hold their attention verbally for more than a minute.  I am going to admit that while writing this post I have probably indulged in to much red wine whilst celebrating the holiday, ringing in another year (oh goodie).  To those of you who read this before I inevitably delete it while I am sober, forgive my indulgence but I am most assuredly past the legal writing limit and so be it.  I will now write about ME...to my lovely children, this is the story of the person behind the Mother, I am not just some dumb, middle aged, emotional piece of person that gets on your last nerve on a daily basis. SUPRISE! I am just another person on the planet,  trying to figure out how I got here and why, I am full of questions (and answers actually).  I was once your age, I once had dreams, I once sought love and laughter and fun with wild abandon.  Isn't it odd to think that the very thoughts you have, I once shared.  I was never comfortable thinking about the fact that my Mother was anything other than my Mother, ever, but when all was said and done we were very much alike, my lovely Mum and me.  It's far easier to think of her as a young vibrant woman, now that I am older I get it completely and so will you...someday you will understand that just because I am someone's "Mother" does not mean that I am not a woman, who was once a girl, who was once, not stupid.  So here it goes, here is a list of things that make me...me.  I am directing this not only to my girls but with regard to my only son as well, even though you are not a woman (most of the time) you are my spawn and you may relate to some of these things that you have been given, like it or not, by me and mine...your Thomas side.  I love you guys, I hope I have earned your love and respect dispite my mistakes (we all make them).  You know me as "this person" however, I do not know me as you know me, I am very different on the inside than on the outside and here I will tell you about the inside of me......what I want, truly want, what I have settled for and what I left behind...

I wanted to sing, that's the strongest feeling, emotion in my arsenal.  I wanted to sing from the time I can remember being.  I loved the feeling of it, the power of it and it never mattered at first if anyone heard me or not, I just did it.  I would LOVE to say that my first longing was to be a Mom.......SORRY, it was not.  I used to say (I was around 18ish) that if I ever had children I would lock them in the closet. My best friend Andrea and I declared very early on that Motherhood was not for us.  I hear you guys say that now and my first reaction is.....HA!  I know it's not the reality of it, eventually you will have room in your space for a family and you will love it.  You were all raised with a strong sense of that.  Next on the list of things that moved me, drove me...I wanted a home, a really nice home of my own.  My father was wicked, he drank daily and got fired and we got evicted and it was repeated over and over.  Before the age of 12 I moved at least every few months and I dreamt that I would have a lovely, little, home with all the cozy fluffy things to be had. I am not a big house person, I longed for and still do, a cottage style home with history, wooden floors and rugs and pillows and a fireplace with a lovely garden.  I must admit in my heart of hearts, I am Bilbo Baggins minus the adventure (I did indeed see The Hobbit for the 2nd time this very day). I should never, ever have been born in this place or this time period.  If there is a God, and you need to know I truly believe there is, he placed me wrongly.  I should have been born in England in approx. 1812, London proper or a little cottage outside of either way I love the city and the country, I hate the burbs.  I would have been perfectly at home in a flat in the city as long as it was comfortable, clean and cozy, I may have had to skip my garden but it's all ok.  I truly feel like a displaced person, I have always, will always pine for a foreign country in a time period that has long since passed.  I am not sure if I believe in reincarnation, but something inside me feels literally homesick for a place I have never been, in a time I never knew. My clothing preference, everything that means anything to me reveals this odd little twist in the time space continuum.  I was not, am not, cut out for this space in time, I am not cut out for the lifestyle in this country though I have come to accept it, even if I don't champion it.  I don't scoff at technology, I am on facebook as much as anyone else.  HOWEVER, the things that matter to me, the things that make me feel connected, happy etc.  have nothing to do with anything most people want out of their life experience. I don't need ridiculous amounts of money, jewels, cars, long expensive resort vacations etc.  I aim no higher than this...a lovely home where I can cook and clean and tend to the things that are more traditionally female in nature, I think everyone should do what trips their trigger, I am very liberal but for me, I love traditional roles.  I love to put together the homestead, knowing that my family can come and go as life presents itself, always a room and food for you my spawn. I love caring for people and animals, I like gardening and nurturing and nesting.  I am obsessed with books and blankets, I'm sure you know that by now.  While a lot of people spend money on cars boats and clothing, I like blankets and books and candles.  To live in a home with soft rugs, blankets, thick curtains, candles and books is perfect. I don't need fancy artwork, I don't need matching "sets" of things (furniture).  I like pieces with personality, history and comfort.  I like people to come in and feel safe and comfortable, I love people in and out all day, friends and family.  I love a huge table where everyone can sit and if the chairs don't match even better.  I want dogs and a cat, a single cat is usually quite fine, 2 dogs of course. I love it when everyone comes in and sings and plays music together.  We are one lucky family to be able to play and sing like we do, what a blessing to make your own music and use your own voices to fill the space.  When my family sings the harmonies are infectious, it's a lovely thing and no one knows it but us, it's "our" thing.  Scott usually listens.......HA!  He does do a mean Ziggy Stardust at Karaoke however, but he leaves the sing alongs to Cory Emma Marisa and me.  One Christmas we all sang Mountain Goats songs and it was so fun...we all love them. I love to cook, I hope I have passed that down to you guys.  I truly love to be the one to "feed the people" who visit my home.  I like working with fresh vegetables, pasta and wine, I am a casserole junkie, love to mix a bunch of stuff up in a bowl and bake it.  Normally you won't find instant foods in my pantry, sometimes you guys want the sponge bob mac and cheese instead which I will never understand.  Cooking your own meals in your own home is such a great thing for the soul. I have spent WAY to much money on to go food and if I could re-do anything that may be it.  I don't always have my day figured out so that 3 homecooked meals make the table, I know this, but I am saying when I can do that, I love it.  Nothing quite like music to set a mood, whatever mood you need to be in or indulge, the right music can facilitate the process.  90 percent of the time I listen to classical, jazz or standards.  Billie Holiday and Frank Sinatra, Miles Davis, happy for hours.  I LOVE The Black Keys, Adele.  I love it when people can really sing, really sing and I don't mean vocal tricks, runs or theatrics just pure from the heart, singing.  There has to be some emotion behind the voice or it's dull for me.  Tom Waits...LOVE.  OK, while I am a loner by nature, I do enjoy a nice dinner with friends followed by a lovely glass of wine and interesting conversation, some light music. I LOVE  a good storm, snow or thunder either way.  I do not like the tropics, I do not like the heat of summer, I like and appreciate nice days with a bit of sun but I am a very big fan of wind, unlike one of my idols Dusty Springfield who was scared of the wind, I love it, rain, blizzards and extremes in nature.  I am a lover of dogs and would prefer the company of my dogs most of the time to the company of people (not my family and friends of course).  I am NOT what could be considered a people person, I am much the loner even though I do enjoy when people come over for holidays and gatherings.  I love it when the kids (well you are not kids anymore) have friends stop by.  I am not a fan of idle and fake chatter with people on the street, in the pub or at the store (time traveler).  I try to be nice to everyone I come across because it's very important to be good and to make people feel appreciated, however, I would be lying if I did not say that I prefer a night at home with a good book and a cup of tea and a fire.  I find that as I get older, I retreat more into my thoughts and my creature comforts.  I LOVE books, to say I am a fanatic would be stupid but I love books, I don't care at all about a kindle, I like the feel the smell and the vision of a book, shelves of books displaying your journey, in your home, showing you, reminding you what you have "taken in" over the years...it's a must.  Keep your collection of Carlos Santana and Jessica Simpson shoes, I just want my books and a great pair of crocs.  I don't understand why I love rugs, but I LOVE rugs, I spend a lot of money on rugs. I hate carpet, I like banged up interesting wood floors with throw rugs.  I do not dress my dogs, I do not buy clothing for them but I like comfy dog beds and cute collars.  I like GREAT coffee, I do not like to buy it ground, I like to buy whole bean coffee and grind it fresh in the morning.  I do not love television but I do have shows I like that I watch after the fact on Netflix most of the time.  My television does not go on until the evening, daytime television is ridiculous.  I like the news but not FOX, I don't watch FOX and neither should you.  I adore chocolate, I once had my own coffee shop/bakery and we made candy as well, my mother and my sister and I made candy every year for Christmas, I love Christmas too.  I am Christian but I am NOT one of "those" I am not born again whatever the hell that means, probably should be taken literally with a nod to reincarnation.  I believe in a guy that was beyond what we could comprehend, I think he came, he went, he came back and he had a lot to say and teach us that the Christian religion has screwed up so badly that no one gives a shit anymore....very sad, I think that he was probably really cool. I have read the bible, I have read A LOT! I believe he says some things.....noteable things but people have screwed it all up.  I also love anything supernatural, ghosts, aliens, fascinating stuff, I believe in everything, that's part of my problem.  I am plagued by fear, I have horrible panic attacks and I am a hypochondriac, you know that my kids........sorry to pass that on but it can't all be fairies and roses, sometimes it's guns and roses.  I love movies, I see everything, I love to go by myself for some reason.  I love theater, the greatest job I ever had was working at Young Actor's in Hudson, I loved the kids, the plays, the excitement, it truly is magical.  I am completely insecure, I have never felt confident in my own skin.  It's so weird that people will come up and say, HEY you are so laid back and together.  It's especially funny when they think I come off as confident on stage, I am SO NOT.  I am always a bit nervous, I second guess myself, I worry about my appearance (even when I had one I thought it was ugly).  I have huge issues there, the good news is, it gets easier with age, everything just kind of mellows and you learn to appreciate who you are and what you have become.
I love to mow the lawn....RIDICULOUS!  I can't help it, I will sit on that tractor for hours, making sure all the strips are even.  I love a good bath, with a book and a glass of wine, Bigelow mint body wash from Bath and Body Works is a must.  I still like cook books even though every recipe can be found online, who cares...I like a real cookbook.  I can't even tell you how magical the sound of a train in the night is to me.  There is something so cosmic about a train, for whatever reason, at night.  I think of the people for generations who have gone to exotic places, or escaped persecution or run away by hopping a train to somewhere, it's cosmic.  I love trees, they are the most mystical thing on the planet, a tree is one of the most amazing things, life, death, rebirth, flowing with the wind, placing roots....a tree is quite a thing.  I also love my friends, I have not had a lot of friends in my life, given my tendency toward hobbitism.  HOWEVER, I have had some great people come and go and fortunately for me, many of them are still here.  Andrea Beckett, my first best friend, we shared everything in our high school/middle school days and I still have her in my contacts!  Mark Jendrisak, I adore him, we have been in bands together since we were babies and have seen each other through many ups and downs. There are so many wonderful people I have known and would like to get to know better.  Elyse Romano, we have drifted but you are like a sister to me, Marcia Kelly you sure crept up into my life and I am very glad for it.  I love my sister Sonny, Janie, my sister in law Janelle and the most unlikely bff in the world for a woman of 53, battle scarred and crazy...Ryan Humbert.  There are a few people out there I feel a connection to and would love to spend some time getting to know better.  CHUCK A!  I think you are a hoot and you have a heart of gold, you and Mary should have a night out with my lovely Scott and myself.  Connie W.  I enjoy my time with you, wish we could hang out more. Cyndi O...always love spending time with you. So, loner or not, there are friends and people whom I would love to get to know.  I LOVE TRAVELING!  I don't need to go a lot, I get homesick.  I don't need a "vacation" per say, I like just heading out to someplace historic or interesting and walking around.  I KNOW, I have done casino's and beaches and resorts but those were not really my pick.  I love historic towns, I like walking and reading the dumb plaques OK?! I admit it.  Savannah GA......fantastic.   I would like to go on a ghost hunt, do a ghost walk, or something like that, I admit it again.  I like seance's and things that go bump in the night.  I do not like anything demonic in nature, WAY to scary, I have never seen, nor will I ever see The Exorcist.  I love Harry Potter, I admit to reading the Twilight books and loving them, my favorite series is probably the Outlander books.  I do like cool shoes, but I am a fan of ugly shoes, crocs, doc martins, that sort of thing.  I love to paint, I do paint and I fancy painting furniture in wild patterns and colors.  I am not crafty but artsy.  I love redecorating and rearranging things...I do it to much really.  I like to sit on my deck in the late spring early summer, late summer early autumn and listen to the sounds of the woods where we live, I like mornings on the deck with coffee and evenings on the deck with wine.  I like my husband, Scott...he swept me off my feet with his delightful personality and Nick Nolte looks, we have had a bit of a rough patch but we are forever partners when all is said and done, he's my guy and he may drive me bat shit crazy sometimes but I love him. I can't resist drives to see either leaves in the fall or lights in the Christmas season, I am a sucker for early dinners just like the old people who move to Florida but I hate Florida.  I love twinkle lights, any kind of sparkly light fascinates me and I like them, tacky or not.  I have strands of green twinkle lights in my room at all times.  I like seperate rooms, I love my husband but I like my sheets to smell like Chanel no. 5 and men kill that.  I shower before bed, Scott showers in the morning so he goes to bed with the day all over him, I wash the day off and crawl into my space, alone, with Chanel and a good book.  Brad Pitt killed the image I had of my lifelong favorite fragrance Chanel No. 5, with his new, dumb ass commercial, but I can't help it, it's my forever favorite.  Our financial problems have become so cumbersome that I hadn't had my perfume in a while so my fantastic, loving, friend Janie Lindsay bought me a HUGE bottle of C5 just because, now everything smells as it should, my sheets, and my...self.  My friend Marcia gives me gifts all the time just because...it's really cool the people who care about me, I am blessed all over the place.  Sometimes there is nothing better than just...Hershey's kisses.  My dog Luna (Boones) and I...we have that in common, she loves them like I do. NO milk chocolate is not bad for dogs, dark chocolate is bad for dogs so don't go there, YES I give her Hershey's kisses and she loves me.  Marcia got Boones Hershey's kisses for Christmas, I love my friends.  OK KIDS...PEOPLE, that's it, things I love, my displaced life (I should be living in Dickens era London) and my friends, and my favorites, it's like a long boring interview.  Before I quit, here's what I hate...people who are judgemental and prejiduced, I  believe in accepting everyone as they are, I love that we live in a world where there are different, textures, colors, beliefs.  I hate mean people, I hate war or thinking about war, it's very senseless.  I hate retail jobs, cooked carrots, pop music and bad crossover country music. I hate the extreme heat and extreme cold, I do not like fake teeth that are so white and big it's all you can focus on, I do not like that fat people feel bad about themselves, I do not like that people feel ugly when they are probably beautiful.  I love planet earth but I hate what we are doing to it. I hate that our financial lives hit the skids and we are now struggling, but strangely enough, I love the lesson it has taught and the new sensibility I have because of it.   So as I close I will tell you what I said I would from the start of this entry...what I truly want, love comfort and stability. What I have settled for, the familiar, what I left behind, the dreams of my youth...no regrets. To all of you lovely 8 readers of my blog, and to my gorgeous grown children whom I live for,  Happy New Year!!


Cyndi said...

I simply love that you "put yourself out there" like this. I treasure our friendship, and you.

traceythomasshepard said...

Right back at ya sistah!